Hi! My name is Tessa Britany.
I am going to be really honest here in my “Live In Love” content, so I will tell you that I don’t usually use my last name because I have been married and divorced twice and just find it less strange to use my middle name at this point. Now that I have put that out there, hopefully you can already see that I have made some not-so-great choices in my life, and also that I am going to be as transparent as possible in sharing who I am, where I come from, and what my intention in reaching out to you from this platform is.
My Past (and why it is pertinent enough for you to bother hearing about it):
I was one of those kids who was potty trained and could talk before they quit nursing. My family jokes about me being almost three before my mom stopped letting me latch on. All I know, and I kid you not, is that I REMEMBER nursing (insert eek face!) I was also that little girl who constantly wanted to be attached to her Mom’s hip. I actually cried so hard I turned blue the two times my mom attempted to leave me with a babysitter.
I tell you all this to give you a better idea of how difficult it was to have my parents divorce when I was eight years old. My Dad got primary custody in a pretty awful battle for my two brothers and I. When we moved two hours away, I only saw my mom every other weekend. Looking back, I realize that I had night terrors like one suffering from PTSD might. I was intermittently consumed with thoughts that my mom had died. I would break down and cry in school, afraid that she was gone and no one had bothered to tell me yet. When I got a little older, I remember thinking that maybe it would be easier if she were dead versus just in another town and seemingly indifferent to the fact that I felt absolutely desperate for her while she could go a week without calling and even occasionally forget it was her weekend to come and get us.
I spent, what seemed to be, my entire childhood in a state of sadness that still brings me to tears to reflect upon. I was broken. I was often severely anxious. I felt alone. I didn’t understand Love or that I was loveable.
As you may have guessed, my early adult life was anything but stable. I was in and out of numerous turbulent relationships; some of which involved verbal and physical abuse; all of which involved fear and ego-driven defenses.
Just after my first divorce I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis (bleeding ulcers in my large intestine that led to severe abdominal pain, horrific blood loss, etc). For over a decade, the symptoms continued until I had no choice but to have my colon removed. Well, I take that back, I did have a choice. The doctors explained it was either the colectomy or death. Even though I had said for years that I would rather die than have a “poop sack”, when it came down to it, a temporary hole in my abdomen and a few permanent scars were indeed a better option than dying.
In my early thirties I finally got some much needed counseling and was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (not to mention anxiety, depression, Stockholm’s Syndrome and PTSD). BPD is an attachment disorder most problematic in my romantic relationships and evidenced by my tendency to “flip” from a person who was overly attached to my significant other to one who devalued every possible thing about them, making them a monster in my mind and treating them accordingly.
Are you getting a picture of how big of a wreck I was? There is way more to the extreme drama and chaos that was my life than I will presently take the time to divulge, but I want you to begin to see that I was suffering. Why? Because I know that there are soooooo many of you out there who’s stories are equally as, or even much more, traumatic. I know that you, too, are struggling with intense feelings of loss and fear and separation from Love. You, too, are battling with emotional dis-ease and it’s counterpart, physical disease. And when I consider how overwhelming my sorrow and pain has been, it is heart-wrenching to know that there are those of you who are also living in emotional and physical anguish; anguish that seems as though it will never end; anguish that perhaps is causing you, too, to detach yourself from others in an effort to stop feeling the intolerable fear of not being loved.
That, my Friend, is why I am writing this. I am here to reach you wherever you are. I am here to tell you that I have experienced my own hell, and have been shown the way out from it. I am here to shine light on to that way through testimony and friendship and Truth. Ultimately, I am here to help “heal the rift” between your suffering Soul and your Savior.
I hope that you will join me on a consistent basis as I share with you what it means to “Live in Love”, because I sincerely believe that whatever negative scenario you find yourself in, Love is the way to make it “right”.
Thank you for taking the time to hear a little bit about my past pain and the present petition of my heart. I promise that from here on out the message will be far more about the path to healing than my personal struggles. I truly feel like my entire life has been a preparation for this time we will share together. If I can reveal our Creator’s all encompassing Love to even just one of you, all that I have endured that has ultimately led me to the understanding of that Love, will have been worth it! So I pray that you will continue to join me while I sift through my past, and the revelations that my experiences have allowed, in order to be at peace with the present and excited and filled with hope about ALL of our futures!
Sincerest Blessings, Beloved Souls,
With much Love,
Learning to live in LOVE not Fear.